Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Spew #1

As the internet tracks, I get to see who comes to my blogs, how they get there, what they've clicked on, how long they stayed, where they went afterwards, their zip code and browser, their ip address and internet provider.

With that at hand, I know certain people come to my blogs for a purpose. Whether it's to see if I've written anything different or to see if I'm writing about them...who knows. And given the traffic as of late on blogs, I'll just go ahead and vent about everything. Just to soothe curious minds and release some pinned up angst I have.

Tonight's post will be about my oldest daughter.

Since she started college, she'll say that I've pulled away from her. She'll say that I wasn't there when she moved to college. She'll say I'm a narcissist. She'll say that I'm emotionally immature. She's posted schmarticles about it in her passive aggressive way of telling me off....and then delete them after she knows I've been made aware of them.

When she started college, we were moving around the same time. AFTER she was to start college so that I could be there for her...but we were moving, nonetheless. She was not on board with our move from the beginning. In fact, from the moment I told her about it her attitude was smelly. It didn't matter that it was for the best, it didn't matter that I was going to make it an important point to make sure I was able to visit and see her and be a part of her life.

None of that mattered to her, I think. She would stay with her dad after a weekend visit and tell me that I wasn't making everything about her. While my husband was away in training for the new job, I was home - homeschooling my youngest, toting my oldest and her friends around, having sleepovers, packing an entire house, getting movers quotes, having 2 garage sales and everything those entail, looking for a home in our new town.  I know, I's not about me. But, it's life and it happens and I try to make it a go for all of us. Obviously, that wasn't good enough.

The day she moved to college was a day of oblivion to me. No one told me. Her stepmother is always the one to tell me anything - something she's made her job since she got in the picture. But nope....she couldn't tell me, could she?  If she did, then that would mean I would have been there for my kid. Why be there for my child when the step was in the winner's circle now?  So, I wasn't there. Not only was I not there, my daughter apparently thought I chose to not be there. Hence starting continuing her first stretch of cutting me out of her life.

She didn't speak to me, didn't text me, didn't email me. She blocked me on social media. She fawned all over her dad and step. She didn't even speak to her sister. And guess what? That, according to her, was my fault too.

Yup. All me. All my fault.

When we moved, myself and my youngest was in a bad car accident...luckily only involving us. It was scary. The car had to get towed and we finally made it to our new home. While we didn't have WIFI service set up yet, service was horrible. I could barely get texts let alone send them. And generally I had to go close to the main road to do so. When I sent my oldest texts to let her know we were moved and safe, but had an accident....I didn't hear anything back. Instead of jumping the gun and getting raging pissed at her, I tried her step and asked her to let my daughter know. Which she did. Guess what?  I was wrong for that too.  I should, it seems, have been magic and made my texts go through to my oldest instead of finding another route to get a message to her. In return, I got a raging email from her. Makes sense, right?

And still...I apologized if she felt that I did anything to make her feel bad or guilty or anything. Me. I said I was sorry.

We spoke again. She visited me, she rode along with my girlfriend who was coming for a visit. Then it happened again.

During all this time, I was also dealing with the fact that her dad disowned our youngest child. He wasn't speaking to her. He wasn't asking for her. He didn't even text on her birthday after we moved. He told her he wouldn't visit, it was too far.  Father of the year. Am I right?

Eventually I wrote him a letter. It basically pointed out the fact that what he was doing was ignorant and he should have reached out. I also wrote that I wouldn't deal with his wife because it never works out. It wasn't nasty, it may have been a wee bit condescending because I was hurting for my daughter. He really put her through the wringer emotionally....still does to this day.

Instead of the letter reaching his home and being left for him to open and read while he was away on a fishing trip, his wife opened it......made a quick text to me just to let me know she read it. It was just a little dig.

Then I waited for a response from the father of my children. I mean, he is after all, the adult besides me responsible for these children. Right?  He is the one who's supposed to help parent with me? That's the way it should be.....but he's opted out so many times. And I'm stupid for just wanting to try one more time. What did happen was the step sprinting for Facebook to make an ignorant rant about my letter. Never once saying what was in the letter, only to say that it made her want to jump off a ledge. Too bad she didn't follow that instinct. What followed was an army of morons who don't know me but feel like they can talk shit about me.

All this in view of my kids.

Eventually my ex texted me and blamed our child for him cutting her out of his life. Typical. And more ranting on Facebook from the step about me. Ranting and lies. In view of my children as well. Emails went back and forth between she and I basically asking her to butt the hell out of me trying to get my daughter and her father together. Her emails were full of stupid things from the past, name calling and not one thing in regards to MY CHILD and HER FATHER and their relationship. She interrogated my children, she stalked my blog and left a ranting comment... So, instead of continuing going back and forth with the moron.....I made a blog just for her.

It was me to her. Trying to shut her up. It was condescending and ridiculous and loud and in your face because I was at my wits end to try and get this idiot to stay out of my business.

What do you think my oldest daughter did? If you think she came to me with sympathy over being called fat and lazy among other things by her're wrong. If you think she came to me with understanding for why I did what I're wrong. If you think she scolded me because I do all wrong and her step and dad do no wrong...DING DING win.

Yup. I was wrong in this too. I'm wrong in everything I do. I was asked to apologize. And to take the blog down. She even told me she never read the blog.....but never had an explanation just as to how she knows what was in the blog.

Eventually, we got over that hump too. All the while she pulled more and more away from me. Fawning over her dad and step on social media. Saying how beautiful her step is and how awesome her dad is. Thanking them for so much.....but I guess not being there for most of your life is washed away when you pay for college. Oh wait.....when you are forced to pay for college because I said he said he would do that. Yeah....that's on me too. Apparently I lied about him making a promise to me regarding our children and he was forced to do so.

Then we come to this last time my daughter has cut me off. End of May of this year.

I've been invited to 2 performances since she's been in college. I couldn't make one because, as she admitted, it was a last minute invite and I had 2 flat tires.  I was then invited to her last performance. I'm the one who pulled away......but she's the one who doesn't include me. Or is it that I don't try hard enough to be up her hind end? I don't know....either way, in the's all my fault.

My youngest was coming with me to the performance. She had to work the next day so it was going to be a 3 hour drive down and 3 hour drive back. Not fun, but it's my kid and I wasn't complaining. We made the drive, walked in the building and said hi to friends. Then I saw my parents, who I am no contact with. It's not my daughters fault, issue or problem that I am no contact with them. And I never chewed her out for not telling me they were to be there. Because, you know, it's all about my child. It was her night. So, when I was feeling lightheaded and my chest began to pound and I started to sweat and lose the ability to breathe.....I went to the bathroom. Anxiety Attack....I tried to fight it off. I tried to get it to pass. Then the tears came and lack of oxygen and it just went down hill from there.

Instead of making a fool of myself and taking away any attention from my daughter, I went to my van. I tried to get it to pass. It didn't. The next thing I knew, my youngest was in the van saying she was ready to go. So we went.

I texted my daughter the next day to apologize and tell her she looked and sounded beautiful. I saw video and photos. Didn't hear anything back. Then I notice she blocked me on all social media.

Mother's Day came and went and not one thing from her. She knew that would get to me. She knew exactly how much that would hurt me. That was done out of spite and meanness.

I wrote her a letter. I let her know that I was sorry if she felt I did anything to her to hurt her. But I also let her know that this is not all my fault. Honestly, I don't know why I am held to this unreachable standard by my daughter. But I am. Her dad.....he can give her guilt trips, beat her sister and disown her sister, not be there for her so many times in her life.....and he's the goose that laid the golden egg.

What I haven't done is blame my daughter. I didn't get mad at her for not telling me my parents were there knowing I wasn't expecting it and knowing my mother's effect on me. I didn't tell her how dare she or yell at her or blame her for my anxiety attack. What she doesn't like is that I hold her accountable and want her to hold herself accountable for certain things. I own up when I fuck up. She doesn't.

My mother can play oblivious and pretend she has no reason why I went no contact with her. That way she doesn't have to acknowledge the fact that her son molested me. That way she doesn't have to own up to the fact that lying about my adoption is fucked up. That way she doesn't have to admit things she did in my life were unsuitable for me.

She's not as close as she should be with her sister either. And she blamed me for that. All the while I encouraged both of them to keep in contact. Hell, even after this last trap of bullshit from her I have done nothing but encourage my youngest to have a relationship with her sister.  If she doesn't, that's because my youngest chooses not to for a reason. It's not my doing and it's not my fault and not my responsibility.

So.....Dear Jacqueline,

   I love you and I miss you. When you figure out where you want me, let me know. If by not speaking to me you're telling me you're done with me. Ok. I have no choice but to respect that. But at least know that I have tried. More than my own mother ever did for me.

  Who you are surrounding yourself with should make you happy and in the long run I hope they all do. Who you chose to cut out of your life should make you happy too. I hope that you are.


Friday, August 19, 2016

World Photography Day!

Celebrating 177 years of photography!

The photograph originally was made by Nicéphore Niépce, using silver chloride coating a piece of paper. However, the photo would eventually turn fully dark as he knew no way to remove the silver chloride from the paper to preserve the photo. 

The world's first photograph was taken in 1826 and is called View From The Window At La Gras. 


Photographs got better and better over the years, first with the ‘still camera’, and the ability to take a picture that way. Think the old west in America, and that camera’s differences to the ones of World War 2, then compare them to modern cameras. The major jumps in technology affected photography as much as any other facet of life around the world. With Kodak, Canon and so many other brands out there, it was of no surprise when the market of photography got such a jump, even more so with the military and surveillance capabilities offered as cameras got better, lighter and more easily used. Yet for all the innovation and creativity, science and even the large amount of art that occurs in the photography realm, not much can beat the simple pleasure of snapping photos and developing your frames to enjoy the integrity of the photos.

Why not go out and snap a few pictures yourself? You can find an older camera, and enjoy the feel, and look, of 35mm film. Mine is sitting on my bookshelf awaiting a new lens. 

Walk around and snap some pictures to preserve the time in photographic form. Make a collage, which is a mixture of pictures, sometimes cut into different shapes than the usual rectangles of photos. Go snap some wildlife, either in the wild or at a zoo. Maybe some family photos wouldn’t be out of the question; and you could even use them in the yearly holiday cards in place of the stock sitting stills. Or go see a museum about photography, if you have one nearby to visit. Many museums have cameras in them, and some even explain the use of photography in major events worldwide. 

Here are some of my favorite photographs that I've taken throughout the years. 

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

20 Diversion Tactics Highly Manipulative Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths Use to Silence You

Since learning there is a name for the woman that raised me, I've learned SO much about her and what she's done, does and is.

Narcissism. I kind of knew what it was, but didn't really know it was as deep and relevant to me as it is. It's dangerous, even, to be raised by a person like that. The denial and self righteousness is appalling and I really have no idea why I'm the only one in my entire family to realize this and furthermore cut off all contact.

There was an article I read yesterday that struck me. Generally, these days, any article on narcissist behavior and tactics really get me. I want to jump up and down and yell "YES!!!  THIS!! ALL OF THIS!!!!"

I want to break down the article regarding my own personal experience with a narcissist. The article was written by Shahida Arabi and posted to the Thought Catalog online and is entitled 20 Diversion Tactics Highly Manipulative Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths Use to Silence You.

#1 - Gaslighting. Basically when you confront your narc about things that happened to you and had a huge impact (negatively) on you, they respond with “That didn’t happen,” “You imagined it,” and “Are you crazy?”
        Yup. I've heard all three of those. One particular incident that happened to me when I was around seven years old was brought up in my adult life to my narc and the family member who did it. My husband and I were told that I didn't remember it right and that it didn't happen. I refuse to give that power to others. You cannot tell me it didn't happen. I can still close my eyes and be there. I can smell the room, taste the feeling and see the clock.
        Another time I've been told to go seek help (ie therapy) was when I was confronting my parents regarding my adoption. My entire life has been wrought with questions. I first found out my narc lied to me about things when I was a preteen. Later, as an adult, I realized everything she told me was a lie. Why would an adoptive parent help you? I'd think it's their obligation to help. They think I'm insane, apparently.

#2 - Projection. Never holding themselves responsible or accountable. This is something used to displace responsibility of one’s negative behavior and traits by attributing them to someone else.
       I remember as a kid, I was always accused of lying. If I did lie, it was learned from my narc. She'd lie all the time. She'd keep clothes in the trunk of the car she wouldn't want my father to see after a trip to the mall. She lied about everything from plastic surgery to small stupid things.
       She constantly would project that on to me. Blame me for lying, even using lines like "We can take it to the police to find your dna on it!' I could slit my wrists in front of her to show her I can bleed, and she'd still accuse me of saying I had no blood.
       Also, regarding lying, more than one occasion was produced where she would be yelling at me for lying, I would be crying and begging her to believe me, and she would be holding the telephone saying, "I'll call your 'real' mom right now to come and get you! We don't like liars in this family!"  Yes. It happened. And I'm sure she'd deny it.

#3 - Nonsensical conversations from hell.  Spend even ten minutes arguing with a toxic narcissist and you’ll find yourself wondering how the argument even began at all. Most of the time I'd end up feeling like a stupid moron for arguing because my point was never made, let alone accepted. In most arguments she'd go back to my childhood and talk about how fickle I was or how I was like an animal backed into a corner. Well, duh!  Arguing with a narc is one thing that would make you want to put a shotgun to your own head.

#4 - Blanket statements and generalizations.  Whenever I would get into an argument with my narc, it always ended the same. She'd go on about how “You’re never satisfied,” or “You’re always angry.” Any mention of logic or rationalization would send her into another tantrum. But while she was having the tantrum, I was the one who was made to look insane.

#5 - Deliberately misrepresenting your thoughts and feelings to the point of absurdity.  Whenever my narc and I would have differing opinions or I would express my legitimate emotions and lived experiences she would call them character flaws or that I was irrational. I was always called irrational. My feelings, emotion or experiences were never validated. What's really scary, is my narc is so good at honestly felt that she was right and you were irrational. As an adult, I know it's not true, but damn, that's scary.

#6 - Nitpicking and moving the goal posts. Constantly being told, not in exact words, I wasn't good enough. It went from the way I styled my hair...or if I didn't feel like styling how I decorated my first home. It was her way or the highway. The cost of things were important too. She refused to learn another way of doing things, let alone allowing me to ever LEARN how to do things my way. It took me until I was about 35 to learn. She constantly was raising expectations and I never really got a "Atta Girl!" when I thought I accomplished something she wanted because she was constantly moving the goal post.

#7 -Changing the subject to evade accountability. My narc has never, not once, taken accountability or ownership at any time of anything that I have felt was wrong.
      If I would bring up something in particular, she would digress to maybe something I did wrong then the conversation would end up me defending myself.

#8 - Covert and overt threats. If my narc was ever challenged or felt challenged, watch out. Threats came from all around. I'll go to something that today sounds so incredibly stupid but was made such a huge deal out of because of my defiance.
       When I was around 13 or so and had started my period, my mother found a tampon in my bathroom trash can. This is a big deal because for whatever reasons, she didn't want me to use tampons. Which I didn't. Hell, she had me terrified of them!
       My older brother's girlfriend was more than likely the culprit, she was the only other female in the house at the time. But none of that mattered. Instead, my narc blasted me with blame. Yelling at me, and had my dad join in (like that wasn't embarrassing me to death) about "WHY DID YOU TRY TO HIDE THIS TAMPON!?!?" and "YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO USE THESE!"  Constantly blaming me accusing me when all I could do was cry and defend myself. "It's not mine! I don't use those! Someone else put it there! I swear!"
      None of that was good enough because they were breaking me. So it came to the police. My narc said, "You know, we can take this to the police and they can test it and PROVE it's yours!"  I shot back, "FINE! DO IT! THEN YOU'LL SEE IT'S NOT MINE!!!!!"  I was shut down and sent to my room, grounded and punished anyway.  It's so stupid, but I could never win an argument with her. Ever. And when I really did lie, they knew it. But regardless, I was branded a liar and ornery and constantly called ungrateful.

#9 - Name Calling. This is a great one, because my narc was a name caller. She wasn't outright calling me Doodoohead or anything, but name called none the less.
       She'd use words like 'fickle' and 'ornery'....words that a kid would have to look up to realize they're derogatory. Lazy was thrown around. If you weren't moving any time her eyes were on you, you were lazy. That's the worst.
       I grew up with a sense that what I thought or said never mattered because I wasn't heard. I was just there to dance, put on make up and be pretty.

#10 - Destructive conditioning.  I was conditioned to not have a voice. I was conditioned to know how to cook and clean. When I wanted to go to college, it was chosen for me....I was told I like to rearrange my room so I was going to get an Interior Design degree. While in college, I was told my sketches are not good...or I didn't color in the lines.....making a mockery of everything I did. I was never raised to follow my heart or my dreams.  I was told what they were.
         I was trained. And I was afraid to even open my mind to find what makes me happy to do. And now, as an adult, if I could I'd do a lot of things different. I'd travel and be a hippy and learn all the things I'm learning now. It's so sad that I was robbed of that as a kid.

#11 - Smear campaigns and stalking. The smear campaign for me came when I demanded my narc to be accountable. When she wouldn't, she told everyone I was crazy and a liar and nothing I said was true and that she had no idea where I would get such nonsense.
         By this time, I was on my own two feet, no longer under her spell. I had no problem telling people what exactly happened to me in that house and who did it. I learned I had a voice and I used it. She, to this day, will pretend she doesn't have a clue.
         When my little brother committed suicide, I was told the truth at first, but was sworn to secrecy by this person. When my middle brother called me, I was told something else. When more people would contact me, I got up to 4 different stories. My narc is all about keeping up appearances, heaven forbid people know he killed himself. But why lie to me? I get it, she doesn't want me to be a part of the family I suppose....or she knows that I will tell everyone the truth because I don't see a reason behind lying about something like this. Regardless....with all the stories going around, I had to purchase a copy of the police report.
        That's right. In order to find the truth out about my own brother's death, I had to read the forensic truth in all of it's glory. I cannot unsee any of that. Ever. And, as I do, I blogged. It's how I deal and process. And when I told the truth, a sister in law told me to take it down because my narc told her to tell me that. They apparently lied to his daughter as well....but as I told her, my niece doesn't read my blog unless someone pointed her to it. I doubt she even know I had a blog. That made my sister in law stop talking to me. This one particular sister in law has been my heart through thick and thin. And it destroyed me that my narc (I'm sure) loved that she stopped speaking to me....and so did my niece. Smear campaign achieved.

#12 - Love-bombing and devaluation. I think the one thing I can put to this one is my divorce. When I divorced my first husband...who cheated on me and is just a horrible seemed she didn't support me. She had stayed friendly with him and later would even have phone conversations with his wife over my children. She's certifiable.

#13 - Preemptive Defense.  Basically, my narc always made me feel like I couldn't do anything myself. That I needed her. That she's the only one to trust. I don't know how she did that one, but hook, line and sinker I was caught.

#14 - Triangulation. She plays everyone. Always has. While she thinks she's true to you, she's talking about you behind your back to gain more information.  She did this between myself and all my sisters in law.

#15 - Bait and feign innocence. False sense of security is the key. She would bait me into an argument regarding anything she knew was a touchy subject...or just nosing around in my room for no reason when I was absolutely up to nothing, just to start an argument. When I would be all up in a tizzy, she'd stand back and say things like she didn't start an argument or I'm such a hot head etc.

#16 Boundary testing and hoovering. Not so sure on this one. She has never tested boundaries...she's mowed right over them.

#17 Aggressive jabs disguised as jokes. She always took jabs at me, with a sly tone and giggled after, and encouraged others to as well. I was called the words I've mentioned....ornery, fickle, picky, hot headed etc. In her cool, calm tone. If I got mad, I had no sense of humor or 'too sensitive'. There were a lot of comments made in the same tone regarding my weight, posture, weight, looks, and did I mention weight? I was a slim kid. I was very active, but was never thin enough. Eating disorders that still haunt me only made her happy.

#18 - Condescending sarcasm and patronizing tone. This is another 'you're too sensitive' type issue. Belittle and degrade....those as well.

#18 - Shaming. Being beat, slapped, hit as a kid was always justified. "It was the 70s" "That's how it was then" No apology. I was hit until I was 18 years old. The last was a slap across my face for lying about where I was. I wasn't really allowed to date boys my brother or mother didn't pick for me. That slap made me piss my pants. Literally. It was my dad who slapped me. Hard. He only got into things when my narc would prod him. I always feel bad for him, he's the one with the least amount of a voice.

#20 - CONTROL.  This one is by far the me. She is a control freak. She controls the fact that she will disguise helping you out with control. She'll help you, if you do whatever her way. She'll give you money at Christmas, but it's in the form of store cards so you have no choice but to use them at said stores....even if you haven't shopped there in years.

         When I was divorced and on my own with two small kids, money was tight. The child support pretty much paid for child care and the bills, rent, food, clothes etc was all up to me. There were times that my power was cut off because I was late. When I'd ask my parents for a loan I'd not get it. Narc would say she didn't have the money. 60 bucks...really? But she'd say to come stay with her until I could pay it. Meaning, I would have to pack and make sure my pets were taken care of with no power until then. I would have to upset my kid's routine, mine, rearrange everything.  She had the money, if you knew her you'd laugh too. It was her way or the highway.

       When Christmas would come, when asked what I wanted...I'd say MONEY because I had bills to pay. I didn't want gifts, let my kids get those and enjoy the holiday. Instead of money, I'd get $400 in gift cards. Yeah, yeah, the though should count. Right? Again, if you knew'd laugh. I had to spend $400 at a store that carried nothing for me because that's the only choice I had. Meanwhile, I'm still dying to pay bills.

        She favors grandkids over others....there's one she will never claim and one that she completely has fawned all over. That's always made me so mad and hurt for that kid and the mom...and the dad. Just awful. I can't imagine a grandmother who does that.

       Another time a brother asked for a loan for a medical procedure. I won't say why because it's a person deal, but she told him she didn't have the money. Afterwards, while he and his wife was outback, the narc told the rest of us what had happened and said she told him no because she didn't want that medical procedure to happen for him. With one of my sister in laws she'd babysit, my sister in law really hated that she needed it but she did. She felt the same way about the narc that I did, so I got it. The narc would hold it over her head, or not watch the grandkid when she knew my sister in law wanted to do something fun or just make things difficult for her. When she got pregnant, she wished a fall down the stairs on her to lose the baby because not only is she a narc, she's a huge racist.

     The narc put a recorder on the phone.....she would say it was for a good reason, but for years all we knew was it was like being on a prison phone so we had to watch ourselves. I don't even know how many hours of calls she has...probably still has them.

When I got remarried in 2006, we eloped. It was just reasonable to do. We were both married before and didn't want a 'wedding' wedding.  My narc never did acknowledge my wedding or husband. For our first Christmas married...she got him a $25 gas card. A gas card. That's the only gift she ever got him. She never acknowledged his kids. At our business opening, she all but ignored his parents. She's just an awful person.

She also hated that I had I had a loving, supportive husband and that I was happy. I didn't need her. I realized I didn't need her. My husband supported me and listened to me and it made me realize I didn't need her. That's when I confronted her and was met with denial and the gossip she did to anyone that would listen. In retaliation, she didn't allow me at my grandparents bedsides when they both passed. She lied to me about my little brother. She took those moments away from me as punishment. That's all she had. Now she really has nothing to hurt me. She's done all she could. With no apology and no ownership, there's nothing else I want from her.

She holds the keys to my adoption, but I'm ok. I'll continue to search on my own, but if I end up finding nothing, I'll still be ok because I tried. I did more for myself than she ever could. Now I'll just wait for her pass because that is one funeral I won't miss. I will be there just to make sure it's true.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Sometimes You Just Get Fed Up

Through the grapevine, a little birdie (or grown person who likes to gossip about people) told me that once again I'm being gabbed about. While not by name exactly, it's not a secret. It's old. Let it go. Stop posting quotes and memes that are supposed to be a 'burn' to me.

While the quotes and memes I post are to do with my family, my children, my chronic illnesses. But, I think I'll go ahead and start joining in and just posting memes and quotes to do with the blog....or you.

I'd say "Let it go" or "Move On" but it seems that you can't. I keep getting notifications every other week that you are visiting the blog. That's it's being posted on Facebook as a link and you and others are clicking that link. Or that you and others come directly to it. It's obvious, so it's there.

I've reached out my oldest child, but it's clear to me now that I'm just a joke that you like to tag her in. She's chosen where she wants to stand. Bravo.

Please Click Below
Here's The Blog

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Happy Father's Day

My youngest daughter and I only had one short conversation about her biodad today. It went like this.

Kid - "What's dad's phone number so I can text him for Father's Day?"

Me- "You're more of a man than he is. Kudos"

Kid- "HA! And I'm not even a man!"

Me- "Exactly, grasshopper."

For her 'dad' (who is my husband) she got a sweet card, wrote in it and got him a big bag of espresso...he a HUGE coffee man. It should be noted that it was done without my prompting, in other words, all on her own.  Some might think I make her do things or put ideas in her head, but she's her own person.

That speaks volumes to me.

Even though her biodad did all that he's done to her, she still at least texts him on Father's Day. She still carries around pain and abandonment issues and has a lot to say to him one day...she still texts him.  That's more than he's done for her in years.

It makes my heart swell that she cares for my husband like he does. It punches him right in the feelers. He made pasta salad from scratch for her on Father's Day, because he knows she loves it, and packed some away for her to take to work today. It's just all so gooshy.

Happy Father's Day, y'all.  Even my daddie who I miss very much.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Fibromyalgia - It's Become A Daily Part Of My Vocabulary

As a kid I was very active. I was in dance classes at the age of two. Every summer I was at dance conventions. At the age of 12 I was in a dance company. In high school I was in drill team and the dance company. It's like I never stopped.

I pretty much stopped when I got married and had babies. Then it was a moving of a completely different kind.

Twenty some-odd years of dancing had it's damaging effects on me - I had arthritis in my late teens, a broken tail bone in three places. And then into my thirties it moved to ganglion cysts being removed by surgery and more RA meds, more aches and more pains.

This is all on top of having chronic migraines since I was 18.

In my 40s I was diagnosed with fibro. It wasn't so bad in the beginning. It's not the beginning anymore.

Let me just give you a rundown. At first I was misdiagnosed with so many different things or told that my RA is worse. Then in between that, shingles came into the picture. And finally all the pain had a name.

I think the general idea is that fibro isn't a real disease or that everyone suffers the same. The commercials on television for fibro drugs don't help. They make fibro look like a vacation from minor irritability.

That pain goes from feeling like sometimes my skin is sunburnt so much so that some fabrics hurt to touch it. I bruise easily, always have, but now I get bruises from playing with the dog or barely bumping something. And the bruises stay longer.

My muscles feel like they've been run through a taffy stretcher. They cramp and ache and feel just worn out.

My ankles feel like they are sprained almost daily. I can't go upstairs in my own house because I'd rather not have the pain. So I go up there once a week.

My back is in a constant state of pain. Standing to make supper is done in rounds so I can sit for a spell then go back.

My fingers and toes go numb sometimes, then tingly like teeny little electric charges. Touching anything makes it worse.

IBS. I won't bore you with the details, just imagine never enjoying a meal because in five minutes you're going to say goodbye to it anyway.

My memory is a memory. Fibro Fog is real and it sucks. I forget things people have told me the day before. I forget the day of the week....and if it weren't for my Pill A Day keeper....I'd be lost. Last week, I lost a day. I almost made a bet with my kid about her being wrong about the day. I was wrong. I lost a day and don't know where it went. I forget telling people things and wind up repeating myself and that's SO annoying to me.

Running an errand, making a meal, having an outing - it does me in. I constantly feel tired regardless if I got sleep the night before or not. It's gotten to the point that in the mornings it's getting harder and harder to get going. Some days I can't get up until after 3pm. It's like someone is literally holding my eyes shut. It's not the pain. It's chronic fatigue.

Being lazy in my family growing up was a deadly sin. Being called lazy cut like a knife. I have a very hard time defending myself to myself. I'm not lazy, I say to myself. I'll believe it one day.

Pain, fatigue, depression, anxiety...  it all sucks.  I won't go into the weight gain from not being able to be active. I'm a friggin cow. I hate it.

I feel like I am going insane and I can't cope sometimes. Am I alone in this or do other people with Fibromyalgia have these issues? Guess what? They do. It's real.

So I will leave you with some memes. Because that's all I got at this point.

Monday, February 8, 2016

Black Pore Mask....Does It Work?!!?

Don't be's all in the name of beauty!

Watch my video below where I talk about a few cool apps and this black pore mask!