Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Wished Someone Would Have Told Me!

My daughters are 12 and 15 now, but all these things feel just as it were yesterday!

26 Things No One Told You About Life as a Parent

1. Many, many mornings you will spend inordinate amounts of time bargaining with God for just one more hour of sleep.

2. There is no painless way to extract a baby from a womb. You will spend lots of time arguing with other mothers about which is less painful, a C-section or a vaginal birth. In reality, they both hurt more than any other hurt you’ve ever experienced in your entire life. But it’s the kind of pain that’s worth it, for the most part. I've had both, and you either get the pain before or after the birth...they both hurt like heck!

3. You will become so used to touching your child’s bodily fluids-snot, urine, poop, spit, and blood-that they will no longer gross you out. I used to be able to catch my child's vomit in my hand before it hit the floor. I'd rather wash my hands than spend time in a stain!

4. You will become an expert at the art of “poop reading,” which is the ability to tell whether your child is sick based on the size, color, shape and frequency of his or her bowel movements. My youngest has held on to this theory and now reads her poop daily.

5. You will develop a condition known as “momnesia” at the moment of conception. Experts say it lifts about a year or two into parenthood, but any honest mother will tell you that it lasts a full 20 years, at which time you will develop senility instead. I get worse every year. It's more like "Momtheimers" to me.

6. During pregnancy, you will hate your body and love the feeling of being pregnant. One does not outweigh the other, only the hating your body doesn't end with the 'not being pregnant anymore' part!

7. After you give birth, you will begin to hate your spouse and wish he or she would just drop dead. There are not enough patience to deal with a screaming child and a helpless spouse at the same time, you will pick your baby before the spouse always....

8. Your child will embarrass you on a deeper level than you’ve ever been embarrassed in your life, especially when you are standing in line at a store and your 3 year old exclaims, “Whoo-wee Mommie, you have BIIIIIG boobies!! I seen 'em when you got out of the shower!!” Sorry people in line at the grocery store that day!

9. Your boobs will look Pam Anderson fantastic during breast-feeding. Love it while it lasts. As soon as your child weans, your boobs will deflate faster than a balloon with a hole in it. And they will get saggy, too. The vision of oranges in old stocking will never be funny again....because its you. And it mostly happens with the second pregnancy...

10. Not long into parenthood, you will trade off your goal of being the “perfect parent” for the goal of “just help me survive this experience.”

11. There will be a day at some point after parenthood when you find yourself out in public and realize any or all of the following: a) your shirt is inside out b) there is food on your shirt c) you forgot to brush your teeth… and your hair d) you are still wearing your pajama pants. This was a daily occurrence for me.

12. All of those expressions you learned from your parents that you swore you would never repeat? You will say them to your child, and you will say them many, many times. And each and everytime I utter them to my daughters....I cringe and die a little inside.

13. If you did not curse before parenthood, you will afterward. If you cursed before parenthood, you will curse even more. Does that answer why to those friends and family of mine?!?

14. Your child will start to manipulate you starting around 4 months, a process that will last until your funeral. You will learn to see this for what it is: how your child displays his or her love for you.

15. You will find yourself Googling all sorts of oddities, from, “How to clean poop out of doll hair” to “How to retrieve keys from a flushed toilet”

16. You will ask yourself, “Is this normal?” many, many, many times, and you will never really know the answer to that question. For instance, while eating dinner at a restaurant, your child might exclaim, “Mommie has hair on her poe poe!” Is that normal? I’m still not sure.

17. You will realize just how much you really do not know, especially when your child asks you, “Why are pizzas round” and “Why do Zebras have stripes?” and “Why can't I poop on the closet floor?”

18. You will constantly worry that someone will call Child Protective Services on you, even though you are truly a good parent. Your child is just clumsy. And you will have Poison Control on speed dial...I never could hide the Tums...she ate half a bottle one time....argh

19. Time will become your most precious commodity, and you will haggle with your spouse over it as if it were gold.

20. You will learn to fear birthday invitations.

21. Grocery shopping will never quite be the same experience again.

22. If you had extra money before you became a parent, you won’t have it afterward.

23. Diapers cost more than you would ever imagine. Daycare costs even more, and don’t even think about the cost of a college education. If you do, you will probably decide not to have children. I POUND into my daughters heads....GRANTS and SCHOLARSHIPS!

24. The expression, “All shit stinks” is inaccurate. The poop of newborn breast fed babies doesn’t stink. Poop only starts to stink once babies start eating solids, and some solids make it stink more than others. You will soon become an expert at sniffing poop and knowing exactly what food led to that precise odor. The feeling of a warm bottom, combined with the smell.....ahh priceless!

25. You will find yourself throwing away all sorts of things that make you feel guilty, such as your child’s artwork. There's just not enough room....

26. The day you give birth, your hair will start to gray and you will start to grow a mustache. It happens to the best of mothers. Thankfully, there are plenty of cheap hair removal products, not to mention dye.

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