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Thursday, February 18, 2010

Regrets

Do you have any? I always say, "No...the past is what made me who I am today...no regrets." And I really don't have any regrets. Sadness, yes but regrets? I can't really....the circumstances of my life put me in places that would have rather not been in. Consequences of a divorce threw me in a life lacking security and luster. Stubbornness had me in a role of scrimping to save a dollar here and there than take money from my family.

I get sad now and again, when I think of when my daughters were small. How I had to work and put them in day care. I hated that. No one knows how much I hated that. I hated waking them up early. I hated leaving them in the care of someone else. They were so small. I didn't want them to be there. I wanted them to be with me. It sucked. But we do what we have to do as mothers.

My oldest will remember things and say, "Man, I HATED that daycare!" Guilt riddles me!

I hate that I wasn't able to take a million pictures of them because I didn't have a camera always back then. When I'm lying down, I can remember lying down with one of my babies....and what beautiful captured moments those would have been. But I only have them in my head.

So many things I hate, but can't regret. Being a divorced single mom was the suckiest most awful and difficult thing I've ever done in my life. But, I did it. I had no choice. It wasn't fair, and I let everyone know that fact. My voice tends to be able to permeate anything, so if you knew me...or were around me...you knew about it! And now, looking back I've regained SO much that I thought I ever lost.  I've healed, forgave those around me and even myself for allot.  I've moved through it and smile more often.  I realized the power I was giving those around me.

Now my daughters are teenagers, and will be leaving me in years to come to go be grown ups. And I stop, and sigh and even tear up when I think about how small and dependent they were. They were my little nuggets. They needed me. And God how I needed them.

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