That's about what I can utter after watching the film The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia.
I'll take it on bit by bit for you. In the beginning there's this lady, schlumping down the street with a high pony tail and sporting bags under her eyes which all seem to 'go' with her raspy voice of a million cigarettes. Her name is Mamie White and she says that she's the toughest and the baddest of all the Whites. Then talks about her father....who was some sort of hillbilly tap dancer? She says, "He invented his owns style..." and says that he was doing steps no one could do....and that he taught himself. Oh and he "knowed 52 steps". Im very impressed.
I have to stop there. The video of her father 'tap dancing' is hillbilly. I suppose for certain cultures is was reverred to drink moon shine and tap dance shuffle on scrap wood thrown down on the dirt. And these 'steps' he taught himself that apparently no one could do....were called shuffles and flaps. I learned them when I was about 4 years old. Unfortunately on the road to fame, her father was killed in a 'shootout'.
Before he was shot and killed, he tried to pass his talent down to his son, Mark White. Whew. But then...he got shot too. Then Dorsey, another brother, "done blowed his brains out with a pistol"...that he thought was empty when he put it to his head and pulled the trigger. I'll give you a minute to re-read that.
Oh, but I'm not done yet. Another brother, Poney, got in trouble for prescription fraud (shocker) ..but he high-tailed it out of Boone County to Minnesota to 'change his life'. Apparently, Poney's the only one with half a brain in that family.
Then there's Jescoe White...he got the daddie's dancing shoes. PBS made a documentary about him The Dancing Outlaw. He became famous...and apparently doesn't like to eat sloppy eggs.
Now back to Mamie - she raised everyone - took care of Mama, sisters, brothers, their kids, her kids. Now she's here to regale us all of the 'rest of the fuckin' whites'. Yeah...she's a peach.
While my 'distaste' is very hard to miss here, I will hand it to Mamie for raising all the kids she did. But where and how she raised them, I can't applaud. But then again, that's all they know I suppose.
The movie goes on to explain they followed the family for a year. Mamie's mother, known as the Miracle Woman, raised over 34 kids that were abandoned or born of her kids that didn't want them...and so on. I'll give her credit for that. Bless her heart in heaven - she no longer has to be around all the insanity of her 'children' and family. One loses custody of her newborn - here's a hint : Don't do drugs while you're pregnant and REALLY don't do drugs in the god-damned hospital room after you gave birth.
Now I'll let you go watch the movie and see all the glory of West Virginia Whites. The women all talk like they swallowed molten lava and look like they were mauled by pit bulls. For the most part I needed subtitles. The amount of prescription and illegal drugs available running in the veins of these people would stop a dozen herds of woolly mammoths.
Now, I just have to go back to the 'tap dancing'. It seems that it's a wonder that these White's can do it. They really seem to think these are steps that no one can master...ever. Listen, put some bottle caps on your feet, tap in time to the music. Children do it in the streets of New Orleans all day long. Shuffles and flaps are basics.
"They're clever...they're not necessary educated....they're crafty."
Jescoe apparently huffed so much gasoline, that it ate a hole in his brain. Yes, he has brain damage. But he's more confused because the doctor's told him it ate his brain cell....but he doesn't know which cell it ate. Poor thing.
That's seems about right. They beat up, they kill, they shoot, they sell illegal and prescription drugs. Mamie drives around buying and hustling drugs. With kids in tow. It's a great little American family story. Not. What I really think is the White family honestly believes people respect them or they'll kill them. No one respects them....we're watching this documentary like a train wreck. You're not gazed upon with glory, White family, you're gawked upon like a two headed gorilla in a zoo. Fear and respect are two completely different things.
Then there's a part where we get to see saggy hairy hillbilly balls. Oh what joy. It's during a birthday party for the matriarch, Bertie Mae aka Miracle Woman. She's visibly upset that everyone lights up doobies around her...but they don't care. Babies running around, cocaine being snorted...it looked like a great 85th birthday.
Okay....here's the link. I'll let you all have the same wonderful experience I just had.