Pages

Monday, December 31, 2012

Stupid People Need Stupid Products

I can hold my tongue no more!

Just about every infomercial irritates the bacheezuz out of me. I can't stand the way the people in the beginning of most of these commercials look as if they were raised by dogs and can't figure out how to do the most of mundane things without breaking everything!

So, I'll blog about it and complain because I can.

The Schticky


First of all this guy gives me the creep. This is Vince Schlomi and he not only frequents hookers, he beats them up when he's high on crack. Ok, not all of that may be true, but most of it is and he grosses me out.

Secondly, the line 'Problem with that shedding pussy...'seems a little unnecessary. Just clean your house, no need for a schticky piece of crap.

Forever Lazy


Basically this is long johns with a zipper in the back and side so you can go to the bathroom without taking it off.  The name fits well - Forever Lazy.  It's for people who can't seem to figure out how a goddamned blanket works.

'This one's too big! This one's too small!' Really? Is it too stressful to find a blanket and learn how to use it?!

What the hell?!!?  I'm 42 years old and I've managed to figure out how a blanket works without going insane enough to purchase an idiotic pair of blanket jammies.


Kush


Ladies, when was the last time you went to sleep thinking, "I really wish I had a penis in between my boobies all night."

I'll tell you, NEVER.

Our boobs are fine. Please don't let the television talk you into thinking you need this thing in between your buubulas. You don't.


Comfort Wipe


I don't even....I can't....I....

Learn to wipe your ass, please. And if you can't reach your hind quarters, I don't want to know about it.


Wearable Towel



Apparently, this product is for the same people who never figured out how to use a blanket.  Men wear is like a 'toga' and if my husband ever went out to get the paper wearing a stupid toga, I'd have to lock him out of the house!



Easy Feet


If you can't wash your feet, I suspect you also need help wiping your nether reagions so maybe this is for you. Really? People taking a shower can't figure out how to wash their own feet?  We're doomed.


Quillow


Ok, for those of you who's lives are being ruined because you can't use a blanket....and for those of you who can't figure out how to clean your own feet....maybe this is for you. If you have trouble remembering that a blanket and a pillow aren't the same thing, here's the Quillow.

Holy balls.


EZ Cracker


This product of for those who apparently can't figure out how to crack an egg without throwing it up against a wall.  Maybe when I lose my mind and start smashing eggs on my forehead to make an omelet, I'll get this one.


Grab-A-Bite



So, let me get this straight - they want me to use a tong spear to put spear first in my mouth hole.  Well, if I can't towel myself, crack an egg, wipe myself, clean my feet, use a blanket....I guess I deserve a mouth spear.



Perfect Cupcake


Generally when I wanted to put candy in the middle of cupcake, in my day, I just put some batter in, put in a candy, then filled the cup up the rest of the way with batter.  But I must be a genius or something.



Perfect Popcorn


If you can't tell the difference between a soft puffy big piece of popcorn and a little hard unpopped kernel, then you need this. God, we're a stupid species.



Couch Commander


Since we can't for the life of us figure how to use an end table or coffee table, we need this piece of crap.  Wait, but see, my sofa doesn't have seat cushions...it's a one piece. Damn. I can't use this. WHAT WILL I DO?!!?



Easy Dish


Let me get this straight....you want me to stop using my dishwasher because it takes days to load and stop trying to do dishes by hand because I'm obviously a moron and buy this thing that takes up a whole sink that I still have to open up and clean after I use it?

Shut up.


Lap N Snack


This guy can't put his remote on the table without having a seizure so he needs this.  I'm good. Really, I don't need a trough straddling my thighs. Ugh.


Happy Hot Dog Man


If you can't cut four slits in a hot dog, then you need this.  Oh, and if you need to buy this, I don't need to know you. Hahahaha.



Touch n Brush


If your family are cavemen with no  opposable thumbs or nothing larger than a brainstem...then this product is for you!




No comments: