Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Because Family Is Important

It's no secret I've not been close with my parents for a number of years. Growing up with a narcissist as a parent is difficult.

Along with that came separation from my nieces and nephews as well. As with everything, there are also two sides to this story, I'm completely aware of that. I know I come out the bad guy on the other side.

On my side, I am a child who asked her mother to be accountable for certain things and help me with issues regarding my adoption. Both requests were ignored.

On her side, I'm an ungrateful child who doesn't know the value of family. Regarding my adoption, she sticks to her story. And her story has had holes poked into it by myself. I hold proof she's lied about several things. Still, she sticks to her story and my proof is meaningless.

Years have gone by and there are a select few that still speak with me. I'm very grateful for that. They have no idea how special it is to me.

I kept silent for years. Didn't have a voice. Thought that my voice didn't count. I don't stay silent anymore, I tell the truth and hold people accountable. I hold myself accountable for things people feel I've done to them, acknowledge and apologize if they felt I made a mistake etc. Others don't oblige me the same. For those reasons I stopped having a relationship with her. I also kept my children from her until they turned 18 because I was protecting them.

Both my children knew that when they became of age, they had the choice to see her. My oldest took it right away. I never withheld her, discouraged her or forbade her. I kept my word. Not that I had a choice, this one does what she wants regardless of who she leaves in the wake. My youngest wanted nothing to do with her. That was her choice. She missed her cousins, though. And she felt everyone hated her. I know they don't.

This year when my youngest turned 19 and asked if she could see her cousins during the holidays...which meant also seeing mother. She understands that comes with the package, as everyone gathers at her home for Christmas. I wrote about it here.

My oldest told mother that my youngest was going to come for Christmas and her reaction was that she was glad my daughter realized family is important and it was too bad I couldn't do the same thing.

She never can resist any residual slap in the face. And my oldest, being who she is, never tells anyone off when I am disrespected. You know, it would be nice to be stood up for...just once even.

But let's talk about how important family is to my mother. Shall we?

Family is so important that even though she had an entire seven months to prepare, she didn't get my step daughters one single Christmas gift the first Christmas we all spent as a family. She snubbed them to their faces. That was the last Christmas I spent in my family home. While my mother in law went out of her way to be kind to her new granddaughters and daughter in law, my mother couldn't be bothered to even pretend to be cordial. It was the most awkward thing ever.

Family is so important that the only Christmas gift she got my husband....ever.....was a $25 gas card.

Family is so important that when my brother asked for a loan for fertility treatments so he and his wife could have a baby, she lied to him and told she had no money.....then told the rest of us all about it and how she had the money but she didn't want him to have a baby with her. Her reasoning was that they would get divorced and he'd have to pay child support already on her child he adopted and then have to pay for another one. This was roughly 15 years ago....they're still happily married.

Family is so important that when my grandfather was dying, she felt it necessary to have someone tell me that I wasn't welcome to my grandfather's deathbed and subsequent funeral. My grandfather asked where I was...I was the only grandchild not there and I was denied.

Family is so important that at the funeral of my grandfather (I sent my husband with my oldest to attend), my husband was told that I was never molested. I must have remembered it wrong. AT A FUNERAL.

Family is so important that when my little brother committed suicide, I was lied to about all of it. I was told three different stories by three different of those people being from a family member. I was then told that mother instructed I be lied to. I had to get the police report from the police department to find out the truth. And since no one had the decency to tell me the truth, the police report was the bearer of bad news in all it's forensic and detailed glory. I can't unsee or unread what was in that report.

Family is so important that she went behind my back to my ex husband and his wife to see my children after I told her they were off limits. So much betrayal has just sickened me.

Family is so important that when she took grandchildren on special summer trips, she always left out one in particular. She's always favored one and ignored one. She always talked about the one she never claimed just horribly. I don't know what kind of grandmother chooses particular grandchildren as favorites.

I could go on, but as my daughter just pointed out....I may just have a stroke. And as I said back to her, "I hope you never have to feel the anger and pain I have had to."

So when someone in my family reads this, because I know my family read this blog, let mother know that I indeed know how important family is.

My children are my family. My husband is my family. My close friends are more like family than she ever will be again.

I've had panic/anxiety attacks since around 1999. They've gotten worse since about 2009. It seems the mere thought of that woman sends me in panic mode and it's uncontrollable. She has no idea the damage she's done. All the while she looks doe eyed at people and says, "I don't understand why she's so upset." with all the narcissism of a serial killer.

While it's hard for me to understand why most of my family members feel the need to ignore me, I've accepted it. I can't fight it. I can't change their minds. I can just be me. That's good enough for some people.

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