Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Fibromyalgia - It's Become A Daily Part Of My Vocabulary

As a kid I was very active. I was in dance classes at the age of two. Every summer I was at dance conventions. At the age of 12 I was in a dance company. In high school I was in drill team and the dance company. It's like I never stopped.

I pretty much stopped when I got married and had babies. Then it was a moving of a completely different kind.

Twenty some-odd years of dancing had it's damaging effects on me - I had arthritis in my late teens, a broken tail bone in three places. And then into my thirties it moved to ganglion cysts being removed by surgery and more RA meds, more aches and more pains.

This is all on top of having chronic migraines since I was 18.

In my 40s I was diagnosed with fibro. It wasn't so bad in the beginning. It's not the beginning anymore.

Let me just give you a rundown. At first I was misdiagnosed with so many different things or told that my RA is worse. Then in between that, shingles came into the picture. And finally all the pain had a name.

I think the general idea is that fibro isn't a real disease or that everyone suffers the same. The commercials on television for fibro drugs don't help. They make fibro look like a vacation from minor irritability.

That pain goes from feeling like sometimes my skin is sunburnt so much so that some fabrics hurt to touch it. I bruise easily, always have, but now I get bruises from playing with the dog or barely bumping something. And the bruises stay longer.

My muscles feel like they've been run through a taffy stretcher. They cramp and ache and feel just worn out.

My ankles feel like they are sprained almost daily. I can't go upstairs in my own house because I'd rather not have the pain. So I go up there once a week.

My back is in a constant state of pain. Standing to make supper is done in rounds so I can sit for a spell then go back.

My fingers and toes go numb sometimes, then tingly like teeny little electric charges. Touching anything makes it worse.

IBS. I won't bore you with the details, just imagine never enjoying a meal because in five minutes you're going to say goodbye to it anyway.

My memory is a memory. Fibro Fog is real and it sucks. I forget things people have told me the day before. I forget the day of the week....and if it weren't for my Pill A Day keeper....I'd be lost. Last week, I lost a day. I almost made a bet with my kid about her being wrong about the day. I was wrong. I lost a day and don't know where it went. I forget telling people things and wind up repeating myself and that's SO annoying to me.

Running an errand, making a meal, having an outing - it does me in. I constantly feel tired regardless if I got sleep the night before or not. It's gotten to the point that in the mornings it's getting harder and harder to get going. Some days I can't get up until after 3pm. It's like someone is literally holding my eyes shut. It's not the pain. It's chronic fatigue.

Being lazy in my family growing up was a deadly sin. Being called lazy cut like a knife. I have a very hard time defending myself to myself. I'm not lazy, I say to myself. I'll believe it one day.

Pain, fatigue, depression, anxiety...  it all sucks.  I won't go into the weight gain from not being able to be active. I'm a friggin cow. I hate it.

I feel like I am going insane and I can't cope sometimes. Am I alone in this or do other people with Fibromyalgia have these issues? Guess what? They do. It's real.

So I will leave you with some memes. Because that's all I got at this point.

No comments: